I’m Here, You’re There: Why We’re Ghosting Our Own Friendships.

It’s a scene I’ve witnessed a thousand times, but for some reason, this time it hit me alittle closer to home, making me pay more attention to that niggling feeling around the top of my forehead and at the base of my skull.

Something isn’t right here. 

Picture this Script-Breaker, two friends out at a cafe, the table showing the remnants of a quick meal, but over the table there was no lively banter, no chatter at all. 

Silence reigned. 

The only time it was disrupted was when one of them wanted to show the other something on their phone, something I assumed was from one of the more popular social media apps, which resulted in a quick look up, a shared laugh and then… they disconnected. 

They each sat down in their respective chairs, only to once again engage in a pastime that has invaded anyone who has realised they have access to WiFi- silently scrolling through their phone, faces illuminated by the glow of a screen rather than the sparkle in a friend’s eye. 

Once again, I accept that you may think of this as a completely normal scene, something you’ve witnessed time and time again, people gathered around, but completely detached from the present, because they’re being stimulated by whatever is happening on their screens….but this time, as I watched them slouch in the chairs, completely absorbed with their devices, it made me kinda sad. 

As someone who makes a living being attached to her own screen, this scene shouldn’t have even fazed me, but it did. 

I thought back to my own behaviour. 

And while I’m more likely to talk to my friends if I can find a way to actually see them in the flesh- i swear being in your thirties just means less time to meet up when the sun is up- I am also aware that maybe, I like those two, spend too much time disconnected from my loved ones.

And worse… It's by choice. 

Eyes locked onto the two people just living their lives and enjoying their down time in their own, preferred virtual world, I couldn’t help but wonder:  Are we all just passively ghosting the people we care about? 

Hear me out!

Usually we think about ghosting in the context of not replying to a text or a DM, but what do you call it, when you’re face to face and still not connecting, still not communicating?

What do you call it when you’ve not actually checked in with your friend in a while, eventhough you’re both on all the same platforms?

Is this not ghosting as well?

 We live in a world overflowing with a thousand ways to connect – DMs, texts, FaceTimes, Tweets, Snaps, TikToks. 

Yet, sometimes it feels like we’re all living behind a screen, too scared, distracted, stressed all the way out to send the one text that actually matters: "Hey, how are you... really?" 

It hit me like a perfectly aimed flash of a friend taking a terrible candid, that maybe I’ve been passively ghosting my friends as well. 

I’ve been working tirelessly to get my life in order, and that has meant, scheduling phone calls, figuring out side hustles, efforting on main hustles, doing a host of errands and a whole lot of adulting. 

This has also meant that the moment I decided to ease off my time on social media, and I really mean Instagram, I’ve also kind of fallen off the face of the Earth, spending more time on yoga, morning walks and bingeing my fave Asian dramas, when not writing.

And while it’s easy to say that I have whatsapp and my friends can also message me when they feel like it, I do admit that it’s not the same. 

They do reach out-on IG, a place I used to be very active on and one that allows us to check in via reels, memes and every once in a while a short ‘how are you?’ message. 

But how many times have I just  typed "I’m fine!" in a text when, in reality, I've been a complete mess, silently wrestling with life's dramas?

How many times did I choose to stay safe in the vagueness of easy and shallow convos? 

Opting not to be vulnerable, telling myself it would off-set someone’s day, or worse, it would make me have to admit to something I vehemently do not want to? 

It’s easy to get caught up in the performance of perpetual fabulousness, isn't it? 

We can curate our online personas, showcasing the highlights reel while the messy, vulnerable, utterly human parts get filed away in the drafts folder. 

But what about the friends who should be seeing those unedited, unfiltered moments? 

The ones who’ve seen us through bad days, breakups and even worse fashion choices?

Don’t they deserve our real presence too? 

The kind where we’re not more connected to our phone and the virtual world within, but to the humans who are there, willing to allow us to be our unscripted selves in front of them?

So maybe the challenge isn’t just in what’s happening in the world today or what’s the latest on your fave YouTuber/ celebrity or content creator, or the cute kitten you’re following in the You Tube Shorts, or even in  finding "the one"—be it a soulmate, a dream job, or the perfect pair of shoes. 

Maybe the real quest, the truly exhilarating adventure, is in keeping the ones we already have and learning how to prioritise love, support and connection better. 

After all, a solid, sparkling connection is a two-way street, a delicate dance of showing up and being present.

And I have to ask myself… am I really showing up on both sides? 

Will I be sending the "how are you... really?" text? 

Am I putting down my phone long enough to truly listen, truly connect, truly be there?

Because sometimes, the greatest luxury isn't a designer bag or a first-class ticket. 

It's the messy, beautiful, unscripted reality of a real-life conversation with a friend who knows your heart.

XOXO, Ashlee

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