An Inside Look into The One With The Strong Coffee
Back in 2020 after a series of failed book launches and zero income from affiliate programs, I felt beyond exhausted with how much resentment, hurt and unworthiness was swirling within me like an ongoing category 5 hurricane at any given time.
I was overwhelmed trying to implement 27 different strategies, shamefaced about my lack of progress and everytime my family implied that I should ‘go get a job and make money’ it chipped away at my soul, adding to my depression.
Then, out of the blue, an NGO messaged me to work on a series of articles for them.
The Director knew I was a former journalist and wanted me to bring the vision for her project to reality.
This was amazing! Unprecedented!
But…
Thanks to my recent string of failures, I immersed myself in the insane idea that my prior successes were all flukes and this project was going to prove it to me, my family and the world…but I needed the money… and I was actually passionate about the theme of the project so I pushed through.
(The irony of this was that this client had nothing but faith in me. There was no rush, they paid on time and in the agreed upon amount and there was never any negative feedback.)
Still, on the day I was to write the first article, I felt so nervous and stressed out that I decided it would be a good idea to drink a cup of coffee and the novice that I am, made it
Way. Too. Strong.
I legit felt as if I was going to vibrate out of my skin; I thought I was about to actually ascend through an interdimensional portal and worst of all, no matter what I did, I only seemed to send my heart rate careening towards death.
Naturally, this meant there was no way I was writing anything!
I couldn’t think.
My mind was trapped in a haze of fog, and I couldn’t do anything but wait it out- which I learnt after trying to exhaust myself with exercise and almost dying lol - so naturally the tornado of my emotional upheaval hit down.
And it hit down hard.
I couldn’t escape.
“I think about the fact that I went from having a monthly paycheck, to being completely broke for actual years now and my body is so jacked up, that I can’t even get the tears of shame to fall.
They just stay there behind my eyes, burning indiscriminately.
I let the usual feelings of disappointment, shame; fear and disillusionment mix like a heady tornado within me , hitting me with a sense of cold precision in my chest, and react violently with the caffeine that is still running roughshod over my synapses.
On the couch, I blow out a sad and pathetic breath.
I don’t feel the relief I thought I would right now, if I’m honest I feel really depressed, confused and overwhelmingly and frustratingly lost.
The tiny bit of acknowledgement found in identifying these emotions is too miniscule to really count and my brain moves on to more pertinent questions.
What should my next steps be?
Should I even bother trying this entrepreneurial thing or should I just try to survive in this world for as long as possible, giving up on the freedom and happiness I wanted to thrive in for myself…because right now, I don’t feel free or joyful at all.
I genuinely don’t want that tho … and so I find myself sinking further into the firm cushions, trying and failing to come up with a strategy to push forward with my own agenda.” - excerpt from
The One With The Strong Coffee.
The caffeine had stripped me of my defenses, trapped me in my mind, and had energized all the thoughts and emotions I had been trying to repress, because it felt like acknowledging them could only bring disaster.
“Gritting my teeth against how much I really do not want to do this, around how much this scares me to even try, I all the same release the tight grip I have on my resistance and finally allow the thoughts to flow unrestrained into my mind.
I feel them like physical balls, bouncing and tumbling around like the spin cycle on the dryer and I repeat my breathing process, inhaling a deep breath as I reach for the thought that hurts right in the gut the most when my consciousness acknowledges it.” - excerpt from
The One With The Strong Coffee.
Initially, I fought and wrestled against these feelings, terrified of the painful implications and confirmations they would bring, but ultimately I could only surrender and in doing so, the feelings, emotions, fears, memories, all painful, all hurtful rushed over me, swallowed me up like a tsunami… but I survived.
In the aftermath, as I did my breathing techniques and just released all of the turmoil, I slowly started to realise that I was not actually being attacked, rather these thoughts, emotions and memories simply wanted to escape me.
They fled and for once I didn’t try to hold on to them, didn’t try to villanise them and actually listened to what they were saying on their way out of the metaphorical door.
There were several life lessons wrapped up in that experience, but one of the loudest epiphanies was that I needed to start taking way better care of myself.
Yes, I had failed to achieve a goal, but I hadn’t failed at living my life.
Yes I had lost things and people before I had been ready to let them go, but I was still here and I could heal, I could choose to forgive and I could choose to accept what was.
I realized resentment was a choice. Love was also a choice. I could choose to change the way I perceived what was happening.
I had that power.
You have that power.
That night I not only journalled on all of the things I thought were hard and fast truths one by one, but I also challenged them, disproved them and dug deeper into what was actually true for me -what could be true for me when I’m ready to make it so.
The next thing I did was write
The Ashlee Chronicles: The One With The Strong Coffee,
encapsulating the insanity of my day, the emotions, the techniques, my thoughts and all of the epiphanies that now illuminate my path to becoming the successful entrepreneur I dream about becoming.
Now I want to share this story with you.
I want you to read my story, see where I went (horribly) wrong and how I managed to catch myself, pivot and see money, love and relationships in a new, less crushing light.
It’s all a process, which requires devotion, but it has to start with a single step in that direction, followed by more aligned steps.
Here’s what you will find in The One With The Strong Coffee book:
- A hilarious but real firsthand account of a person experiencing hyper caffeine sensitivity for the first time, complete with the jitters, brain fog and spiraling.
- The do’s and don’ts for handling a body going through caffeine sensitivity, including if you should exercise or not, as well as how to find the strength and mental space to not only face your inner demons, but gently defeat them.
- An unfiltered exploration into the mind, thoughts and beliefs around an entrepreneur who is finding the strength and courage to actually face down her failures, mistakes and start the healing process of forgiving the past and clearing her path for a promising future.
- The techniques used to clear negative energy, the exact meditations used to both calm and ground myself as I allow pain to wash over me, because healing yourself means looking at your mistakes, failures and giving yourself permission to change what they get to mean for you.
“If I’m to be successful and actually thrive, then I need to actually know what I want, trust that I can achieve it as I am, that I will be guided to improve where needed and that of course I can choose to take the more aligned path towards it.” - excerpt from
The One With The Strong Coffee.
For me, that first step into pivoting from being someone who felt hollowed out, desperate and unworthy of safely experiencing her own desires to a creative entrepreneur who launched her own membership, created new awesome bundles and is in the process of writing all the works her brain can cook up, that step began with a sip of way too strong coffee.
What will yours be?
RELATED
