Navigating Money Struggles The Unscripted Way

They say your thirties are for building your empire, not watching it crumble, but lately, the only thing being built are my emotional defenses when I look at what sales I didn’t make that day and a tragic facade of “I’m fine”.

While I’ve often been told that money can’t buy happiness, I still wonder if it can't at least flow to me so that I can experiment with that idiom…and maybe schedule a therapist who can help me unpack all of this entrepreneurial fuelled emotional upheaval?

Look, I know you’re used to content creators sharing a sob story, followed by a pivoting 'aha' moment and then the sales pitch on how this one thing turned their life around, but I’m sorry because you’re just not going to get that here. 

Here, you’re going to find thought provoking questions, and maybe witness me having a messy breakdown, that somehow by the end of this post might actually make sense-and then I’ll share with you the one thing that turned my life around lol.

So yes, Script-Breakers, sometimes I genuinely wonder if my ‘unscripted life’ though super helpful and inspiring in many, many ways, isn’t at its core just a fancy term I created for ‘hot mess’. 

And it has nothing to do with my morning routine, how healthy I am- I can deep squat, thank you very much- or what my nervous system regulation routine looks like, rather at this present moment, it’s about me finally facing one of the most complicated relationships I’ve ever had. 

No, it’s not about a man…it’s unfortunately about something much more diabolical and painful: money. 

Money, the thing that has caused me to have so many heart- pounding and straight up terrified moments daily;  the thing that sometimes makes me wonder if I should give up my passions and just settle for something more financially assured….the thing that has kinda been the villainous hero of my world for a very long time. 

Let me tell you, the real drama starts when you go from a soul sucking job with predictable income, to one that passionately lights you up, but the income is as unpredictable as the stock market after Trump’s tariffs. 

As amazing as I am at budgeting, it is a total nightmare when money isn’t flowing like you thought-need- pray for it to.

 It’s very much like dating a commitment-phobic man who only calls when he needs something, leaving you tense, afraid, and so, very exhausted. 

As you can imagine, when I realised that money wasn’t flowing to me like a steady, abundant river through my amazing works, like most online creators seemed to be able to do, it left me in a constant state of panicked inner turmoil each and every month.

Every purchase felt like a betrayal and a countdown to the inevitable ‘how will I make more money?’ questions I just love- insert eye-roll here- and every courageous glance at my still empty wallet felt like a cold shoulder from money itself. 

Honestly, the whole thing became a toxic dance of avoidance and anxiety, and I was so caught up in the drama that I couldn't even see the stage.

My relationship with money was shot to hell. 

I was so fixated on the money I didn’t have, that I couldn’t see the abundance that was already there.

Script-Breaker, I was convinced my worth was tied to a number, and that number was never big enough. 

It was a constant, frantic search for the next hit, the next paycheck, the next sign that I was finally "okay." 

That I had survived this round and so, I could totally do much better this time next month-only to end up in the same situation all over again. 

Putting it simply, I was caught in a loop of feeling disempowered, shamed, guilty, frustrated, disillusioned and powerlessly stubborn.

It effing sucked!

But then, just like a perfect plot twist, like those ‘aha’ moments I mentioned above, I had an epiphany.

 I realized  with the help of many YouTube gurus that my problem wasn’t money itself; it was my relationship with it.

And please note, I said my relationship with it, and not its relationship with me.

 I was the one with the power, therefore I was the one who had to stop looking at my bank account with fear, underpinned by all the catastrophic predictions it would stir within me, and start looking at it with acceptance.

In other words, I had to stop treating money like a fickle lover and start treating it like a trusted friend. 

Which, darlings, was not easy at all. 

I don’t want to mislead you here, and make you think that one moment miraculously changed everything for me. 

What it did was spark the change, and what followed was alot of work and effort in building trust and safety where only anxiety, fear and shame had bloomed.

Nevertheless, I decided to embrace the money I had right now, no matter how small, no matter the emotions it stirred.

 I let the emotions—the fear, the frustration, the insecurity—flow through me like a good cry session after a bad breakup, where you feel the loss, but know it’s for the best, even if you don’t want to admit it yet.

 I didn't push them away; I acknowledged them, processed them, and let them go. Repeatedly.

Then, after a while, I felt calmer, more accepting of the money I expected myself to have, to receive and only when I felt calmer did I allow myself to do something radical. 

I started affirming for more money and a better relationship with it.

I started laying the money in my purse out in front of me and gave myself permission to simply look at it.

I allowed those inevitable thoughts of “this is not nearly enough” to flow unheeded and unjudged, I allowed the thoughts of “how the hell am I going to make more? Why do I keep failing?” to tear across my chest and churn in my stomach. 

All through it, I just kept breathing, I just let them flow through me. No judgement, just space to be. 

Why? 

Because they were my real feelings, my real predictions of the world right now and even though they hurt and I was accustomed to them triggering me….

In that state of calm I realised that even triggered, even screaming and having a tantrum, none of that would change the money before me and all the things I still had to do.

What it would change was my ability to allow money in;  after all, how can I allow myself to receive something I was actively vilifying? Actively cursing and in many ways avoiding?

So I work on this daily, because I know that the kind of relationship I want to have with the wealthy side of me, needs me to practice feeling safe, supported and loved, even if I only have ten cents and the thing I need costs five dollars. 

Why? 

Because money is energy, not an enemy, which means even if I have only ten cents, I’m open to money flowing to me, more than ever. 

And it does. 

Sometimes through my side hustles, sometimes through discounts, sometimes even through people who care for me. 

And it made me realise that wealth and abundance isn’t only about what I have in my purse or bank account, but in my acceptance of receiving money and all the splendours of life as it shows up.

 In my allowing of being taken care of fully in all ways. 

Rather than hyper-focusing on what I don’t have and decreeing it will always be that way, I can accept it, let it go and let the world work its magic. 

Money's not a dictator that controls my worth or my quality of life. 

My power isn't at the mercy of my bank account.

That kind of thinking—that you're a victim of your finances—keeps you in a loop of powerlessness and frustration. 

Trust me on this, darling.

It's a limited, suffocating thing I want no part of, and neither should you.

Because after all, the greatest romance isn't with a man or with a bank account—it's with yourself. 

And once you fall in love with who you are, everything else falls into place.

XOXO, 

Ashlee