Discovering the Praise Kink

“Baby, you’re so good. You’re taking me so fucking well, yes, yes, just like that. Fuck you’re so beautiful!”

Tingles lay siege to my face, spreading out powerfully from the top of my forehead to my cheeks and all the way to my clenching jaw, before spiraling down my arms, forcing a tighter grip around my phone.

They coalesce into heat, flaring into a full-on flush that crawls swiftly up my neck and pool into my cheeks, while my widened eyes greedily and with no shortage of fascination, drink in the words on the page I’m reading on my dully lit phone.

I’m embarrassed, flushed and so ponderously turned on as I read those words; the meaning and intent leaping off the page to assault my mind in a seemingly calculated attack, striking me right in the heart, and unleashing pronounced spasms much lower, as if the words had been moaned directly, hot and dirty into my own ears.

My heart is beating wildly as I all but dive back into the story, my whole body heating up the more the woman is praised by her lover during this salacious act, and I thrill to the way she reacts to the power inherent in the words being showered over her. 

The scene continues into masterfully debauched, lustful descriptions that embarrassingly make me rip my eyes away for a moment to gather myself; especially on the line, “Such a good girl for me”.

Holy fuck, that’s hot!

That one line has a devastating, visceral impact on me and results in my heart racing in my chest, my thighs trembling and my eyes closing to savour the scene in my mind. 

I feel attacked.

I am so envious of the characters in this story, that I want to write myself into the scene and join in the enjoyment right now.

The way they are so comfortable and communicative with each other, plus the way she is being showered with such heated words of affirmation,  are having an unprecedented effect on me, but I’m too caught up in the story to pause and truly explore it all right now.

 I register it generally within my heated cheeks and the excitement that is coursing through my whole body as I coyly finish this spicy tale of romance, lust and an unexpectedly discovered kink.

 I’m no stranger to sex scenes in the media, books and movies included or when reading fiction on the interwebs, so my reaction- that of a flustered teen, reading about French kissing for the first time- is wholly shocking on several deeper levels that I know I’m gonna have to dive into later.

 I didn’t even notice that I had crumpled onto my bed from a sitting position, to a prone one as I prop my phone up and flatten myself against the pillows, getting way more invested in this tale than ever before.

In an uncharacteristic move, I settle more on the bed and flip myself to the beginning of the tale, eager to explore how I feel about the story now that I know what is coming.

I re-read that scene over and over, cataloguing my reactions and realize that it’s the dialogue more than anything that riled me up, making me feel so breathless and eager. 

I scroll up to the top of the page and check the tags.

And that’s when I see it, a tag I’d never truly noticed before, praise kink. 

Huh, praise kink … what was that?

Just off the top of my head, I think it’s about praising your partner during sex, which honestly when I think about it, shouldn’t be that big a deal, yet as my slightly heaving chest can attest to, it is.

The dialogue was hot, sure, but if I get to the nitty gritty of it, it was the way they took care of each other in the scene that has my continued piqued interest. 

The softness underpinned by the strong aura of dominance that basically made room and gave permission for the inevitable submission has me hooked.

 The scene was written so that the woman felt empowered, sexy and safe to indulge in her desires openly and honestly. 

And as she did, she was praised and rewarded- which is hot to me- but what really caught my attention the second round was that the praise wasn’t limited to when she agreed to or acted upon a sexual act that pleased him.

No.

He was whispering words of praise and inspiration to her the entire time, putting in the work to set the mood and ease them both into the right mindset.

 He started when they were just talking, allowing her to show her own interest and waited for her to happily and clearly hand him the reins to this scene and once he was given those reins, he neither faltered nor flailed.

 It was the way he asked if she wanted to be ‘a good girl’ for him, the way she said ‘yes’ because he knew what those words would do to her; it was the slow way they undressed, the way he was so focused on her responses, the way he checked in with her, adjusted the angle he was thrusting into her, so she felt it better, deeper and more pleasurably,  slowed down or sped up as he observed her reactions; and the way all through the scene he reassured and reminded her that she wasn’t alone in this act. 

He gave her permission to challenge herself to try both new and already favoured things, as well as respected her boundaries at all times easily.

 And while sincerely whispering how amazing he believed her to be.

Let’s be honest, who the hell wouldn’t want that kind of lover?

It makes me think over my own sexual exploits and I can’t remember ever feeling like that. 

Feeling as if I was safe and could actually let go completely, feeling as if the person I was sharing these intimate acts with was in it with me, is not something I have enjoyed in recent history, in fact most of the time it felt more like we just using each other to reach a place of release, but we were definitely not going there hand in hand in this way, where the whole vibe was safe and allowed for a free mind.

And while I’ve been praised for a technique or an outcome, I realize with my eyes narrowing at the phone that I’ve never been praised or teased in this way before and I really want to give it a try.

Flipping my phone down onto the bed, I shift positions and allow my mind to turn this thought over and over, coming to the conclusion that I need to learn more about this kink and how it actually works.

I’m hella curious about why it’s stirring up these intense feelings, previously long dormant within my body.

 I’m near breathless, mind looping on the various aspects of the praise kinks depicted and all I’ve done is read a freaking story; clearly I need to not only research this, but obviously share my findings with you!

I love the internet, but  more importantly I love that no matter what I type into Google  there will be posts, articles and even a few videos  dealing with that exact thing, and ‘what is a praise kink’ is no different. 

What is interesting is how few articles there are on this topic, as I scroll down the pages of offerings served to me by one of the most dependable online search engines in the world.

For something that I have seen written about so much in fiction, it comes as a surprise to me to not find as many diverse and comprehensive posts as I thought there would be, but then again it may be that while the topic is fictionally popular, the bloggers haven’t dived into it fully yet.

That’s ok, I think as I click upon article after article dealing with various kinks, BDSM categories and fetishes. 

Reading  through some of the articles and ‘listicles’, I feel my heart stutter and buzz around all the new information I’m unearthing about sexual acts, positions and mindsets.

Wow, people really are more open and honest about sex now, but I’m realizing that praise kink- a definite softie  in the kink world barely makes the cut in the curated blogs with only a few blips on some of the more sexually progressive discussion threads.

As I dig like a farmer trying to unearth a burrowing worm, I wonder initially if this term is not just something created by online fiction writers  that caught on like wildfire to add a new element to the kinky scenes they make up…

But since I have no interest in leaving you or myself hanging, I become even more relentless in my research. 

Eventually it all pays off and I learn that the praise kink really is a lesser known kink, but is gaining popularity among the kinks with its deceptive yet powerful simplicity.

One of the things I discovered that I have to share with you right now is that there is an actual difference between a fetish and a kink, can you believe it?

I had always thought these  words were interchangeable in meaning, but apparently they are not.

A fetish usually refers to a necessary behavior that a person must have in order to become aroused, while a kink is a sexual activity that can fall outside of the idea of sex which society traditionally considers acceptable (read: vanilla sex).

This means that a kink can be anything that makes you feel aroused, but isn’t absolutely needed in order to get there.

My research into the world of kinks unsurprisingly leads me into the introductory world of BDSM- bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism (or submission).

Lots of kinks are not only discovered, but categorized by those practicing BDSM, including flogging, breath play and even the use of emotional play.

As it turns out the sky's the limit when it comes to kinks and it’s really up to you and your partner  to decide on the ones you want to try out or even create.

The praise kink, while largely not fully and officially defined, is a part of what is known as affirmation play, which is a subset of the larger category of psychological play, which I’ll dive into deeper in the next post!

So what is the praise kink exactly?

Based on my research, I’ve surmised that it is the act of making your partner feel good during sex by using pet names, giving validation and overall coaxing pleasing behavior during intercourse, the opposite of its cousin the humiliation kink.

Sitting on my bed a few weeks later, reading yet another story around praise kinks, I’m once again enamored with the way the writer is playing around with the use of this kink and incorporating other softer BDSM play and positions into the scenes.

I am seriously into this kink and the way it’s depicted so much!

What I probably haven’t told you yet, but maybe something you’re noticing as you read through this content  is that I’m a fan of BDSM.

Yup, you read that right and I’ll tell you why too.

 I love the fact that before anything happens with a scene, you have to know and respect each other’s boundaries regardless of your position as Dominant or Submissive.

 I love that there is open and honest communication around enthusiastic consent and hard limits that must be respected, accepted and adhered to. 

I am all about the fact that within the genuine community, good health, safety, support and integrity are at the heart of it, as you explore that side of yourself and another.

The hill that  I will always die on is my belief that a true Dominant will always ensure the health, safety and comfort of his/ her submissive, never doing more than was consented, in many ways empowering the submissive and allowing them to safely give up control and have their desires met.

Now while I could seriously get into the BDSM scenes a lot more, I think that’s a topic for another article. (*wink), but what I will say is that I love that the culture showed the world that exploring kinks and fetishes in a safe and clearly defined way was healthy and necessary.

As I noted before ,there are a lot of different kinds of kinks, and play in the world of sex and the praise kink falls under the category of psychological play, but is a serious 180 from the infamously known humiliation kinks.

For those who may have never heard of psychological play, I got you!

It is exactly what it sounds like: play that involves emotions and the manipulation of those emotions. 

This kind of play causes a submissive to have an emotional response and typically inspires cathartic emotions . This can be done in a variety of ways, but we’re only going to focus on the differences between humiliation and praise kinks for the purposes of this content’s goal.

With humiliation kinks, the goal is to trigger a sense of shame or impotence from your partner, and when used by mutually consenting adults is a way to release a big emotional response. 

With this kink, derogatory language (name calling and verbal abuse) as well as humiliating acts are all used if consented to trigger a person’s sense of shame or pain, bringing with it a sense of relief for those who enjoy that play.

Conversely, the praise kink is on the other end of the spectrum, triggering a sense of validation, empowerment and love from your partner.

With this kink, praises, compliments and softer, caring touches are used to create an aura of safety and acceptance, which creates just as powerful an emotional release.

Both of these kinks use intense language and as sex educator Tina Horn, who is also the host of the podcast Why Are People Into That?! ,in an article I found during my research, writes “Intense language as a use of force can be just as intense, or even more intense, as consensually degrading physical sensations, such as impact play”.

In that quote, she was talking more about the humiliation kink, but it’s also true for the praise kink because the use of language, though softer and more complimenting than derogatory, is still as intense as being caressed.

Shelving my phone, I roll onto my back and allow my mind to think over some of the facts I’ve now learnt about kinks, especially those that fall under the psychological play category.

I know that for all kinks to truly be enjoyed to the fullest, they must be consented to, and boundaries between partners have to be fully established and absolutely respected with no exceptions.

I close my eyes and allow my mind to think about a scene, one where my partner is simply telling me how good I’m being, how beautiful and smart I am, while reinforcing those words with very intense and carnal actions.

I imagine the words being sown into my skin so I feel them everywhere, warm and sexy. Just imagining it is enough for me to know that this kink while titillating can also be dangerous for me, because of my rehabbing penchant to people please, but maybe that’s one of the big reasons I’m so into it in the first place.

While I know that the praise kink isn’t a weapon and honestly is one of the kinder kinks, the fact that it can be abused does give me pause.

 Praise kinks are not supposed to be about triggering pain or negative emotions; yet, I realize how it could be one of the most dangerous kinks because of how easy it is to get into the not easily shaken off mindset of seeking validation and rewards from your partner, who could choose to manipulate that and use it against you.

This thought chills me and immediately creates a scenario in my head where I’m now having an argument with a fictional lover, who suddenly looks me right in the eye, draws him/herself up to their full height, chest puffed ever so proudly and says, “Be a good girl for me!”

In the scenario I freeze, eyes blinking in stunned silence, before the sheer audacity and cheek of the situation causes a humourless laugh, mixed with a healthy dose of incredulity, to erupt past my lips. 

Wow, that sounds so very condescending, patronizing and cringe worthy (if only a tiny bit sexy in a subby way). That’s still no bueno.

The thing about kinks is that there is a time, place and mood for them.

While anyone trying to bully me, or patronize me by calling me a ‘good girl’ will elicit my fighting response, especially when it’s to ‘shut me down’, that’s not at all what the praise kink is about nor should be abused like that.

The praise kink is about tapping into your partner’s need to be seen by you in that moment. It’s not even about the sex as I’m realizing, although if you do it right, that is exactly where you may end up, afterall kinks are things that provoke arousal.

Sharing your praise kink with your sexual partner is about creating a safe space and admitting to each other what you need from the other. 

It’s sexy to know that you are with someone who sees you as an affirming, attractive and intelligent person. It’s beyond hot to know that you’re about to share energies with someone who is open, and willing to pleasure you in different forms.

All kinks and types of play must be enthusiastically consented to, each player must establish their limits and they must be respected and adhered to for any kind of play to be successful, but especially when psychological play is involved. 

Aftercare, which I learnt is the care needed after a scene, which will help both the subs and the doms feel grounded, but is also a way to check on the physical and mental state of them is something that must be clearly defined and administered, as psychological play scenes are intense and can cause real damage.

Aftercare can come in a plethora of forms and is something the tops/ bottoms, doms/ subs should discuss beforehand and again after the scene or sexual act. It can  range from having  conversations and check-ins, to cuddles and a warm bath, to the application of medication, all depending on what is needed after the scene and its intensity.

So now that I have a basic understanding of the praise kink and how it falls into the category of psychological play, I've also learnt that in the land of BDSM, praise kinks, are used in a variety of ways to help both the dominant and the submissive to slip into the right kind of headspace for the scene.

When I initially thought (read fantasized) about the praise kink, it was from the angle of a Dominant deliberately complimenting or rewarding his/her Submissive for behavior that pleased the Dominant. 

I understand that using words of praise and affirmation  can also help the Submissive to drop further into subspace, which is the mindset of one releasing their outer inhibitions and becoming subservient for the scene  much easier, because it triggers not only  the need to please your Dominant, but praise also creates an atmosphere of safety.

What I hadn’t taken into account was that the Dominant could also get a thrill from seeing his/ her Submissive so very affected by his/ her words and voice, but it makes sense as this response could be interpreted that your Sub is listening to you, is connected to you on a much deeper level than simple touch and that cerebral feeling can be thrilling and heady (pun intended). 

So does this mean it is possible for both Dom and Sub to have a praise kink- after all who doesn’t like being complimented? 

I know I talk a lot about BDSM, but in regular sex, the principles still apply because a kink is a kink is a kink and you get to enjoy it all.

(So yes, a Sub can also -and really should- praise his/her Dom, with the only caveat being if that is an allowed part of the play.)

As above mentioned, both praise and humiliation kinks are a part of emotional play, which falls under the larger umbrella of psychological BDSM. 

During scenes that include emotional play, age play - i.e calling the Submissive ‘Babygirl/ Babyboy’ and the Dominant, ‘Daddy’/ ‘Mommy’- is often used because it causes both partners to have a further emotional response to the words, whether they are humiliating or uplifting. 

 Little and Big space are also part of age play, and this is where the Sub ‘regresses’ in age emotionally and in some cases behaviourally and the Big/ Parent becomes the loving caretaker. 

This is another kind of BDSM play and the praise kink definitely thrives in this kind of play as well.

This is one of the reasons why a huge hallmark of the praise kink is being called a “Good Girl/ Boy”, by the Dominant at just about any interval during intercourse.

Since the praise kink does not fall into the harder and rougher categories required for masochism and sadism, it is considered one of the softer forms of emotional play and as I discovered  is very useful in helping the Submissive get into the right headspace before and during scenes, as well as coming back to themselves after a particularly intense scene, gently (also known as aftercare).

Praise kinks are also used more often to offset the humiliation play, orgasm denial and prolonged edging sessions as it elicits a cathartic response from the Submissive that he/ she has been good and that goodness is being recognized and rewarded by the Dominant.

 It also signals for them to further listen to the instructions of the Dominant. 

On the other side of this communicative coin , I imagine that the Submissive’s response also signals to the Dominant their readiness to continue the play and the acts of submission.

You will need to become a paid member to view this and the rest of the bundle.